Yesterday I typed a basic outline of my whereabouts for the past year. Tonight I’m at a much different place psychologically. Reflecting on the past few years I’m realizing more and more that I am completely hopeless without Christ. Every so often I’ll notice that I’ve fallen back into the illusion of self-reliance and a par-for-the-course secular lifestyle (with the inclusion of church events, of course).
It hit me pretty hard tonight: once again, I’ve let myself be tricked into believing that choosing the Lord above all will somehow cheat me out of happiness, fun, pleasure, and fulfillment. It’s a lie I’m well aware of and yet I continue to succumb to its insidious purpose. At VERITAS this evening (the young adults church group I attend weekly), I sensed that it was time to be dealt with once more. In silent prayer I tried to lay it all at His feet, hoping to return my focus to the One who created me…with no solace. The incredible resistance to choosing God and giving up worldly pursuits was stronger than I’ve ever felt. I couldn’t do it. I wanted to, and I wanted to want God more than anything else, but it wasn’t happening. Disheartened but resolute, I asked for pertinent prayer from the college pastor afterward and received some encouragement and a couple recommended verses to memorize. On the way home I blasted a Jeremy Camp album and sang as loud as I could. Take THAT, satan.
Psalm 84:11 For the LORD God is a sun and shield; The LORD gives grace and glory; No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly.