Oh My Goff

Has there ever been a time where you felt you were in a transition period, but you couldn’t tell what you were transitioning from/to? That’s precisely where I’m at right now. There’s no shortage of possibilities and scapegoats, however. A somewhat recent breakup and subsequent fallout has led to a change in church attendance, and increased attention to time with friends old and new. My health is a timeless battle, and one that I believed I was finally winning until a medical procedure last month revealed that conditions are a bit more dire than were previously realized.

Naturally, God has my attention more now than in recent times, and for that I’m grateful. By and large, my stubborn self-sufficient nature gets me into trouble in a variety of ways, mostly pertaining to my spirituality and emotional well-being. Instead of choosing methods of helping others or making a positive difference in the world, I close in and simply do what I feel like doing at any particular moment. This leads to excessive time-wasting, self-destructive patterns and tendencies, and a general sense of dissatisfaction. This may seem counter-intuitive based on the premise that-
A. If I’m doing what I want, I will be happy.
B. Life is all about living in the moment.
Pro tip to Christopher: selfishness never awards happiness.

The key for me is to keep an eternal perspective on as many aspects of my life as possible. Not only critically evaluating my choices as they are made (with a discriminating eye for who or what potentially benefits from my decision), but going far deeper than that; an honest gaze into my underlying purpose(s). My career, my family, my future, my friends (in no particular order). What significance does each play in my life, and why? What motivations drive me to keep them steady, or make respective changes? Which of these and in what combinations are the lord of my heart: complacence, selfishness, aspiration to greatness, humility, determination, God himself? Currently I don’t have a clear answer, but I am sure of which ideally I would like to be. It now becomes a not so simple matter of choosing to follow the path I know I must.
Help me, Lord.